The Three "I"s of Mindfulness: Improving our relationship with ourselves and others through Intention, Intrapersonal, and Interpersonal aspects of being mindful

1. Intention

Intention is the foundation of mindfulness. When we consciously set an intention at the beginning of our practice, we align ourselves with our deeper aspirations. This intention helps direct our awareness and energy toward personal growth and emotional well-being. Intention-setting in mindfulness supports self-awareness, self-regulation, and ultimately, more meaningful relationships with others.

Unless we have an unambiguous intention then our mindfulness practice will not lead to personal transformation. According to Ajahn Brahm (2006)-"Only when one has … a clear goal will there be the possibility of spiritual progress"(p 258). Research has shown that when we set our intention at the beginning of our practice, that this will produce outcomes that are consistent with our goals (Shapiro and Carlson, 1992, cited Shapiro and Carlson, 2009).

2. Intrapersonal Aspects of Mindfulness

Mindfulness practice helps us regulate emotions by increasing awareness of the physical manifestations of different feelings and recognizing the emotions associated with those sensations. This awareness allows us to accept and tolerate emotions more effectively (Hayes & Feldman, 2004; Brown et al., 2007). Consequently, when we experience reactions to our partner or relationship challenges, we can take responsibility for our emotions instead of attributing blame. This self-awareness fosters emotional maturity and self-care.

Through mindfulness, we observe how various causes and conditions shape our thoughts, emotions, and actions. Recognizing that thoughts and emotions are inherently insubstantial, we can befriend them rather than act impulsively on transient states. When we become aware of the assumptions we hold about ourselves and others, we gain the freedom not to act upon them automatically. For example, if we believe ourselves to be unlovable and perceive our partner’s expression as dismissive, we might react with anger or self-criticism. However, mindfulness allows us to pause and recognize that these assumptions may not reflect reality.

From a Western psychological perspective, difficult emotions have often been viewed as something to control or eliminate. However, suppressing emotions can intensify them, and rejecting an emotion implies rejecting a part of ourselves. By accepting and embracing emotions, they can naturally self-liberate.

At an intrapersonal level, mindfulness practice helps us become aware of the arising and dissipating nature of both negative and positive thoughts and emotions. The Western mind tends to fixate on unhelpful thoughts, constructing narratives that may persist for days. Conversely, positive thoughts and emotions are often dismissed. Mindfulness encourages us to release negative thoughts and actively focus on positive ones—"to burn them into our brains" (Traleg Rinpoche, personal communication).

The extent to which we focus on negative or positive experiences is often influenced by early childhood messages. Internalized critical self-talk can persist into adulthood (Ryan & Brown, 2003). However, research indicates that mindfulness practice can counteract self-criticism and cultivate self-compassion (Germer, 2009; Neff, 2011). Self-compassion is strongly associated with psychological well-being, including increased happiness, optimism, personal initiative, and social connectedness. It is also linked to higher emotional intelligence and lower levels of anxiety, depression, neurotic perfectionism, and rumination (Neff, 2009).

Mindfulness also helps us recognize and see through our projections. As we become more mindful, we develop awareness of how projections arise. Chögyam Trungpa (1975) describes this as the ability to observe even small fluctuations in our attention—these "flickerings" (p. 57) of thoughts and emotions.

3. Interpersonal Aspects of Mindfulness

As we take responsibility for our own thoughts, emotions, and behaviors, we cultivate self-compassion, reducing the need for defensiveness or blame. By alleviating fear, mindfulness fosters direct and open communication with others.

As self-compassion increases, our relationships improve. Research shows that individuals with higher self-compassion experience greater satisfaction and happiness in their romantic relationships (Neff, 2011). They tend to be more accepting and nonjudgmental of both themselves and their partners, displaying increased affection, intimacy, and care while allowing their partners greater autonomy. Conversely, individuals with lower self-compassion are often more self-critical, less affectionate, and more controlling (Baker & McNulty, 2011).

By deepening our understanding of our own thoughts and emotions, mindfulness enhances our capacity to tolerate, accept, and empathize with others. This empathy includes both cognitive perspective-taking and emotional concern for others (Block-Lerner et al., 2007). Mindful individuals are also more open to vulnerability, better at resolving conflicts, and more capable of fostering intimacy (Mirgain & Cordova, 2007). These benefits arise, in part, from the ability to regulate difficult emotions within relationships.

Conclusion

Mindfulness practice offers profound benefits for both intrapersonal and interpersonal dynamics. By fostering intention, emotional regulation, self-compassion, and awareness, mindfulness allows us to navigate relationships with greater maturity, empathy, and resilience. As we become more mindful, we not only transform our inner world but also enhance the quality of our relationships with others.